Days 14-19: PTSD

I originally published this on my tumblr first, but I’d figure I’d drop it here too.

the first step is always acceptance and I accepted that these terrible things happen rather they be random acts of violence or forces beyond my control but I still have these flashbacks and my mind makes up these scenarios and I really

I don’t know I just end crying when the night visits me, always without fail and unless I’m reading or talking to someone or watching something I can’t feel at ease, ever and there’s only so much you can write about because your vocabulary has a finish line and you’ve crossed it, you’ve crossed it so many times, these words mean absolutely nothing, they’re redundant, probably get annoying because the rhythm gets repetitive and you’ve heard it all already

it gets to the point where these thoughts become broken records, they loop, playing over and over and over and over

The needle is too fucking heavy and I literally can’t make it stop, I’ve tried, I really have, you can’t say I haven’t

And that’s probably why I can’t even sleep, you know

Over

Because it happens

Over

Breaks out

Over

Interrupts over

Doesn’t matter how much cute shit I read or watch over and over

I’m not over it

Over and over and over again

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3 Comments

  1. I wish I could tell you that one day it’ll all be over, but I can’t. Because it won’t. But one thing will change. It will come to you less often, it will hurt less and less. And somehow it will be easier. I know it’s nothing cheerful to say, but, at least for me, it is that way.
    Keep fighting with it, keep fighting to get through the day. Over and over again.
    And one day it’ll become just easier.

    • I wanted to say thank you, because you have no idea how much I needed to hear this. I’m really glad to know I’m not alone in this. It’s never something that goes away, as much as we may will it too. Sometimes I think I’m doing well and it comes back and it’s terrible. Like, it sucks. But I hope that one day you talk about comes soon. I’ll keep fighting. I won’t stop.

      I thank you, from the bottom of my heart.

      • Well, I could tell you “it’ll be all right”, but you know already how irritating it is. And the truth is always better.
        I hope that easier days will come for you as soon as possible. And I really think you are on the right way.
        Never stop fighting, even when you’re tired of it. Ones to give up to go back on a track will be more difficult. There will always be wors days, there you’ll need you strength on maximum.
        And, you’re not alone!

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